I saw a quote recently that said, “To speak is to share. To listen is to care.” As a pastor I get numerous opportunities to share. I preach and teach regularly. Some of my most valuable ministry though is rooted in listening. Another old saying goes, “People don’t care what you know until they know you care.” I am going to be heavily focused on listening over the next few weeks.
Not everyone knows how to listen well and it is a great way to extend God’s love to another person. There is something very healing about feeling completely heard or understood. So here are a couple of listening tips. When I have the good sense to follow them, it usually builds the body of Christ by strengthening bonds.
1) Listen with your eyes. An amazing portion of communication is non-verbal. What is the person’s body language telling you? My son and I often get in discussions about what we think is happening between other people based off of body language. We will see an interaction from afar and then make guesses as to what is going on. Does some one look anxious, tired, excited, sad, etc.
2) Ask more questions than making statements. God gave you two ears and one mouth that should give you a hint on how much you ought to listen. I try to always ask questions that are at three levels. First, questions people can readily answer. This gives me a sense of where they are. Second, questions at someone’s edge. These question tug on someone. Edge questions pull at our assumptions. Third, questions way beyond a person edge. These questions sow seeds for future growth and can really push a person to think outside of their normal box.
3) Ask questions that are open ended. Open ended questions are ones that you cannot answer with a simple yes or no. Instead of asking, “Do you like your new job?”, ask, “How do you feel about your new job?”
4) Listen for feelings. What is a person’s affect or emotion around what they are saying? Are they mad, sad, glad, or something else?
5) Check out your assumptions. Make your observations openly and check them. “You seem in a really good mood today.” or “You seem a little down. How are you feeling?” Sometimes your assumption will be way off base. What you read as upset may be tired, sick, anxious, angry or a host of other things. Don’t latch onto your assumptions without checking them out first.
6) Parrot back what you hear. This is a practical extension of the last suggestion. What you hear and what they are saying may be totally different things. If you are uncertain say something like, “What I hear you saying is…” or “It sounds like you are saying…” Sometimes you will be spot on with what you heard. Sometimes you may be only off by a small percentage, but a critical small percentage.
Pick one or two of these things and try them out today in your home, office, or with your family and friends. You will be surprised at the amount of care felt when you are simply listening well to someone. This can dramatically effect the quality of your relationships. Blessings from The Practical Disciple.
good stuff as always.
Thanks papercide. Let me know how it helps or if you have other suggestions for listening to others.