Repairing Damaged Relationships

In my last post I talked about some literal house cleaning that you may need to do in order to  release emotional baggage from 2008.  This post we are going to take a practical look at reconciling wounds you may have caused.  In some prior posts, I wrote about how to forgive, but some times we are the offending party.  Here are some tips on how to reconcile.

First, pray for and plan an opportunity to approach the person. Be respectful of the fact that she may not want to discuss the wound. Likewise, be prepared that she may verbally blast you to bits if the wound has been festering. In the first case, don’t push for resolution. Just let her know that when she is ready you really would like to hear how you have harmed her because it pains you that there is a gap. In the later case, pray to refrain from becoming defensive and/or fighting back. The healing is in the hearing. So listen, even if it is unfair.

Clarify the hurt if it is not obvious or understandable. “What I hear you saying is…when I did this….this is how it hurt you…” It is important for the person to name and express the hurt and to be heard.

Keep you big “but” out of it. Often times people try to explain why they did what they did on the heals of an apology and it typically only negates the apology. For example, “I am really sorry I hurt you when I said that, but…” At this point, does it really matter what follows the but? Must of us just hear, “I am sorry, but not really.” If you must explain, then put it on the front end. For example, “I feel really insecure around you family and that’s why I was such a jerk to your mom, but it was wrong, and I am sorry that I hurt you.” This is powerful when done well.

Four things to say that can accelerate the healing process:

1) “I did….and it was wrong/hurtful/mean/etc.” Admit your part and admit that it was wrong. Don’t make excuses for it.

2) “I am sorry” Express your sorrow at the pain or damage it has caused. Acknowledge the hurt.

3) “Can you forgive me?” I find the healing process is dramatically accelerated when the offended person is asked to forgive. They are verbally faced with making a decision whether or not to hang onto the pain. This often prevents the wound from festering even after an apology has been made. Accept the fact that he may say, “No, I can’t forgive you.” If you must respond to rejection simply saying, “I understand. I hope you can some day.” is appropriate.   Either way, do the work of reconcile because it is the right and faithful action for you to take no matter how the person responds.

4) “Is there anything I can do to make things right?” Be prepared to make reparations. If you have repeatedly said sorry to this person your words may have limited value.

What to do when someone is angry at you over something you really didn’t do.

Some times you approach a person and discover he is offended, but he really wasn’t wronged. Perhaps, he had an uncommunicated expectation that you failed to reach. Or may be he was offended by something you said or did because he heard it in a way you never intended.  You can express your pain over the gap it has created in your relationship.  You can try to clarify, but don’t be surprised if your explanation is not accepted.

Please understand, “hurting people, hurt people.” What people say and feel about you, frequently reveals more about them than you. You need to be particularly mindful of this if you are in a leadership position. Leaders are lightening rods for peoples’ grief and anger. Do your best to hear them out. Resist getting defensive. In situations where you really haven’t done anything wrong, try not to take the person’s anger personally.  Listen for the hurt.  Hear it out.

Jesus was very clear about the need to forgive others.  He spoke about our own forgiveness being directly related to forgiving others.  He spoke about the need to go to a brother or sister even if we thought he or she was offended.  He even went so far as to tell us that if we realized as we were going to the altar with an offering that we had offended our brother or sister we first needed to go back and address the damaged relationship.

So, who do you need to patch things up with?  Don’t let it fester.  Swallow your pride.  Step outside your fear.  Lean on God and reconcile.  You don’t need the weight of a broken relationship dragging you or anyone else down as you move into this New Year.  Blessings from The Practical Disciple.

Subscribe to The Practical Disciple by Email

Subscribe in a reader